There are people in your life that are more like places. They are comfort zones. Where you go when the world has given you too much. Earthly “dwelling places”, if you will.
One year ago today at about this time; I was standing at a gravesite. At the funeral of my son. There were so many thoughts going through my head that cold, grey morning. So many things I hadn’t said or done. Most often that day the absence of one person crossed my mind and I wished again and again that she could be there with me. My Abuela. My Grandmother.
My Abuela had many children, grandchildren and “greats”; and I can honestly say that there can’t possibly be a single one of us that felt less loved by her than the others.
Even as an adult, when things were too much and I needed to feel loved. She is where I went. She always had something wise to say. She always had a plate of food to serve. Her coffee, filtered through that “sock thing” with lots of sugar and cream, was only the second sweetest thing about being near her. I can only hope that my children feel even a little like that when they come to me.
As with any mother with a big family, my grandmother naturally bore the burdens life inevitably brings. My own father lost to cancer, wasn’t the only child she lost. I thought back to his burial and felt closer and more understanding of her than I ever could before. I knew a pain now so immense, that she had for so long known. It was like we had a new bond. But, by this time she was gone. Yet, in my mind I saw her, always so strong and kind. Encouraging us always, to love each other.
“Family”, she really knew what that word meant. Maybe it even meant more to her than we ever knew. My own heart swells when I look at the faces my body created and the little ones born from them make my heart skip beats. Imagine having as many faces to gaze upon as she. It’s a surprise to me she didn’t burst from love!
I dreamed of her last night. Dreamed that I was with her and she with me. In my sadness she comforted me. I heard her voice as she shared her wisdom.
In my sleep, she was there. I know that if she has her way, she’s with my Mikey in heaven. Feeding him coffee and sandwiches. Maybe also a glass of really sweet Tang. Watching over him until I come.