I don’t feel like celebrating. Nor do I have the energy to care if anyone understands.
I’ve been dreading this holiday season for almost a year now. The get togethers and the greetings I’ve been hiding from all these months now feel obligatory. It’s easy to make an excuse when you’ve changed your mind or just can’t deal with meeting up with friends. But, there are so many expectations when this season comes around.
I know because until this year I always fell for it’s magic. Overcooking, overeating, then putting up a tree. Those lights and scents and the people always brought out the best in me.
This year though, I don’t want to be a part of any plans. If I could sleep until this was all over I would.
I don’t feel guilty or ashamed of how I feel. This is a part of my grief journey. Processing this pain inside of me.
I still wish my loved ones the magic of the season. I pray that for them all, that the season is truly merry and bright.
Today is Thanksgiving. I am grateful, oh so grateful for so much. For the loving family that surrounds me and in whom I find such strength. I am grateful for the memories that make my heart keep beating. I am grateful for the new and loving friendships life has brought to me. I am grateful because in all of this I’ve found a brand new dream. Grateful to remember that this season is all about a baby boy. This year for me it’s about two first born sons.
I’ll excuse myself from the table as I sort myself out. I need to spend this season with my Savior and my son.
“It is Christmas every time you let God love others through you.” Mother Teresa