It is in the calm after, not before the storm, that I am finding the most clarity. The storm raged for years you see. It came to be that I couldn’t tell the sunshine from the rain anymore.
When you’re the parent of a person addicted to drugs it is hard to find much peace. Time is spent worrying about their safety and whereabouts that you don’t have the energy or often, the time to notice much else.
Listening for sirens wondering if there is something wrong. If it had been too long since I’d seen him I’d spend long nights pacing the floor. Praying to God to keep him safe. “Find him where he is” I’d pray, “show him he is loved”.
I’ve been reading his journal; a little here and there. I can’t read it all at once. I read as much as I can take. I’m learning what was in his mind the brokenness I didn’t see. Hurts and pains he couldn’t understand and so, he kept them inside.
My eyes are finally opened and I can better understand. It hurts like hell to see his writing telling me what I feel I should have known. The guilt grows inside of me and I wish that I had seen. The broken mind inside my boy, the feelings he held inside.
I wanted to blame the drugs he loved for making him this way. I just didn’t see, that early on he had resolved to let them take him; he thought they made him free. He is free now. I won’t give drugs the credit. Mercy, came and gave him what he needed. He is at rest; his mind is at ease.
It’s my mind now, that needs the help. I am the one left feeling the pain. I’d gladly trade this sunshine for another day of rain.
An excerpt from a poem called “Drugs” from the journal of my son, Mike
You take me away
Higher than the sky
You’re the reason I live, You’re the reason I’ll die…