I don’t want to be in the “real world” today. It’s seems so exhausting to me. To look at smiling faces and have to do the same. I can’t let them see. I’m hiding the hands that are shaking. My face hiding so much shame. My life is broken; its in shambles and I am the only one to blame.
At night I lie awake. Thinking of all the things I should do. “Get yourself together girl” I tell the mirror when I dress. Still I can’t focus when my mind feels like it’s in a vice. I’m pressed.
Pressed on every side by my sadness, my grief. I just want to hide away. Not eat, not laugh not speak. Why don’t I feel better than this? He is finally at rest.
I try and try to find some peace in this but I can’t escape myself. Inside my head is all this noise. My mind a living hell.
These tears they just keep coming. I don’t think they’ll ever run dry. I can’t escape my own heartbeat. I’m stuck within my own breath. I hate myself for losing a fight that I should have won.
I don’t know where to start and I can’t even form a plan. The days quickly escape me and I’m sinking in this sand.
One grain, one seed is all I need. That’s just enough faith. Inside though their are two of me and only one believes. The other tell me this is it, this is how my life will be.
What can I manifest that’s good and what can I receive? When every time I lift my head memories of him are all I see. I see him in the streets I drive, hear memories in the wind. I feel don’t deserve to have the life that I once wanted.
I live haunted by the hopes and dreams that I once had for him. Somehow I’ve convinced myself to be happy would be a sin.
How can I do this every day? When will it get better? There is no timeline for grief. I know that this is true. Every sunrise finds me at step one.
I’m sorry joy I can’t see you today; I miss my son.