I got dressed up that day. I wanted to look my best for you. I had my hair colored and covered those greys you made fun of.
When we arrived as you must know I wasn’t alone. We were a crowd. All together again; just like we had been just two weeks before on Christmas Day at Gram’s house.
The building was pretty and white. I picked it because that is where we said goodbye to your Grandpa and I thought it made sense. Nothing made sense those days.
I noticed things as I walked towards the room you were waiting for me in. Maybe I wanted to fill my eyes with rug colors, patterns and the colors of the walls. I didn’t want to see what I was walking toward. I had come to see you rest.
I walked as quickly as my legs would allow me. I was shaking all the way through. My legs unsteady and not because of my new shoes. I just wasn’t ready to come say goodbye to you.
From the threshold I see you. There lies my Prince. My firstborn. My beautiful boy. I screamed. I didn’t feel it coming and wasn’t sure it was me. But, I felt the pain trying to leave my body and my voice it’s only escape.
Though it felt like miles I know it only took me seconds to reach your side. I finally could put my hands on yours look upon your face. My firstborn, as beautiful in death as you had been in life.
Your soul had gone before you. To where you now rest in perfect peace. I knew the you that was truly you wasn’t there. Still I hugged and kissed you anyway. Hoping you’d know I had and maybe feel me one last time. I sang to you “You Are My Sunshine” before I had to walk away for the last time.
Walking in and walking out felt like the longest walks I had ever taken. They were until that point. Now I know the real journey is what I’m living now. I’m alive and I’m breathing and praying for the mercy that was shown to you.
I’m walking through life but my soul is paralyzed. Waiting and waiting until I know what to do to learn to live with this pain. This is the longest walk I’ve ever taken and I don’t know yet where the road ends.